Growth brings forth CHANGE

I am a creature of habit so change is hard for me...

Some things are happening in my life right now that have me feeling like the rug's been pulled out from underneath my feet.

That being said, one of my new years resolutions that I have started early is to be positive! No more negativity. I've kicked out the negativity and I want to see the glass as half full rather than half empty. So with these changes I am praying and trusting God to be the Captain of our ship and guide us through the storm.

It may seem a little dark and gray now

but I see the light beaming already and I'm looking forward to the view of the sun after the storm.

So, change?

I'm ready!!!!



No Santa here--Don't Judge Us

I'll tell you when....

When your kids have a friend spending the night and you are telling them all the real story of Saint Nick and said friend raises his hand, one sentence in and says

"uhh, wait, how is this possible? he's been living for that many years?"

I stood there...

frozen...

(see this is why I never allowed the belief in Santa Claus)

Ok now, first of all, this kid is 10 but he looks like hes 13. He is Zak's best friend but he's here so much that he has become family...he is like my kid and he fits in with all the boys. In fact, he is in the best friend/brother category to all of them really.

How did he not know?

I immediately stopped talking and said I wasn't going to finish with the story and Ku in absolute shock was asking him if he was being serious.

Ku says, "Do you really believe in Santa, dude? Like....Really??"

Lucas said, "well uhh I did, until you said it that way and now I'm second."

He went on to ask a list of questions...

1-does santa's workshop exist?

2-is there a north pole?

3-are their such things as reindeer?
and my personal favorite
(which occurred as we were all laying down for bed, camped out in the living room)
4-"so, wait, umm...if santa isn't real, then who eats the cookies and all the carrots?"

My oldest splurts out
"omg no way!! are you saying you leave out carrots for the reindeers too?"
At this moment I am thinking, omg I have raised "mean" kids! Why are they all laughing???
I threatened to take every single present back if they didn't stop, and by this time Lucas himself was laughing but...it's not funny!

Someone help me!

What am I going to tell his mother!

"Um, gee, Jules, I told Lucas that you've been lying to him this year...I have made your youngest child to believe that Santa doesnt exist!!"
???

YEA RIGHT!

So now I am going to have to find a way to tell her.

I've always used this time of year to dwell on our faith and it's a pretty deep thing here (not that santa isn't...and please know that i am NOT bashing parents who do santa...I think it's a very cute tradition but for me and my kids it's a very deep religious thing because that's how it was for me growing up and it was always really special, plus I have a fear of my children being let down because of a huge lie I built....thats why I'm so devastated that I've done that to Poor Lucas and Julie!)

So now I will have to live with the fact that I ruined Christmas AND single-handedly destroyed his trust in his family all together!

Just great!!

I cant wait til Christmas is over
I love this holiday but WOW! It's been a year, I'll tell ya that

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

My Little Lou

*******UPDATE*******

I am posting this to remember the journey to her real diagnosis and to help any fellow autistic parents out there. Obviously her diagnosis of hyperacusis was short lived. We found out shortly after this post that it was indeed autism.

So beautiful!! I have tears in my eyes as I write this post.

This is my Lacie Lou. She is my angel and the youngest of my 6. This blog is about her and is probably being written because last night was a "hard one".

As I type this Im trying to reach a conclusion as to wether or not I want to do this but I wanted to be real, right? So here it goes....

She is the light of my life and has brought more joy to us all than I ever thought possible. I didnt plan on her being here, in fact, I only wanted 1 kid....lol kinda passed that goal eh? My first child was the only planned child. The rest of my children were born on birth control (every form you can think of).

Before you go jumping the gun let me say that I would not trade not even one of my babies for ANYTHING! I am so glad God blessed me with them....all 6 of them!

Lacie is different from the older 5. Not because she has a different father, but because she was perfect! My other children all came out of the womb kicking and screaming and bouncing off walls. You think im kidding? I cannot tell you how many vcr's (yes I am that old) were stuffed and thrown away and bought again....oh and dont even start me on the toilets that were clogged with only God knows what and had to be replaced!

Not with Lacie, though. She came out smiling! She started laughing at just a few weeks and no it wasnt gas....it was just the amazing sweetness that exudes from her being!

She barely ever cried as an infant and even now, she only cries when somethings going on that she needs help with. She is a lover, ohh my is she a lover! She has a relationship with each one of my children in a unique way but the one she tends to cling to is Zabe, from day one!

I started noticing that there might be a problem about a year ago. My neice and I were pregnant at the same time. She had her daughter 3 weeks before I had Lou. Her daughter was crawling, walking, talking....hell, she was a super child really! I could not believe how fast this child advanced. She is incredibly smart and beautiful to boot. I know each child matures differently in their own way, this is not my first go-round! I know this, but I started thinking, "ok, why is she not talking at all? why is there no attempt at a word? How long can she continue with her own language?"

I started to bring up my concern, but her father (who lived with me at the time) wouldnt hear it. I, secretly, took her to a few specialists because I was concerned due to some of her behavior patterns that it could be Autism. After testing and a few "days of observation" they finally told me it wasnt Autism, or Aspergers....basically they just told me that she needed more time. She was a late developer but all was ok.

A few months later, I knew something wasnt right. I cant really put it into words but Im her mother and I just knew. She has this way of cupping her hands over her ears when she gets nervous....afraid...or even too excited! I finally called another specialist from Childrens Hospital....

FINALLY!

Someone who agreed that something wasnt right. After hearing me out (and watching me fall apart as I told him about things I noticed that seemed worrisome), he knelt down in front of me and said, "its ok to cry, Rachelle. You have been fighting this battle alone and you are right, there is something wrong. I think I know what it is and I want to give you some information. I am also going to give you a referral to a hearing specialist because I believe Lacie has Hyperacusis."

As I listened to him explain I cupped my hands over my face and started to sob! It was relief and fear all at the same time. It has a name! I am not crazy!! My daughter has a problem and Ive been tiptoe'in around everyones critisms and judgmental stares and comments, not to mention being bullied into keeping my mouth shut about my concerns because "there is nothing wrong with her!"

Hyperacusis

It has a name! She has an appointment  now with a specialist and we are finally going to be able to help her. The hardest part is yet to come. She will have to have her hearing tested and its pretty grueling and even painful for the people who have it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though! They have hearing devices that can help, and I am praying fervourously for her to have what she needs to have a normal life.

Last night, she woke up at 3, holding her ears. She was crying. All I can think of is that my son had come and crawled up in bed with me while I was sleeping. He has turned the tv on and then fallen asleep. So it had to be something on tv that triggered it. I quickly turned it off but that did no good. Maybe it was a bad dream, I dont know, but for the next 3 hours she tried desperately to go back to sleep and kept waking up crying. I took her temperature, made sure everything was ok. She just wanted to lay with me....face to face.....and her tears broke my heart. By the time she went back to sleep, I was exhausted....physically and emotionally! I started crying and I got so angry for a moment. I guess you could say I was angry at God. I just kept saying to myself over and over..."why?? why does my poor angel have to suffer like that"  Its so not fair. My faith is a major part of my life but I will NEVER understand how the suffering of children in ANY way can be acceptable to God. (I dont mean to offend anyone here, but its a question that I will definitely have and keep until I am able to ask Him why one day)

I am letting her sleep in as much as she needs. When she wakes up, I am going to do bananas and cream oatmel just the way she likes it.

Speaking of oatmeal, today is thursday...I need to go grocery shopping...uuugghhh....

Do you know how hard it is to go grocery shopping for a weeks worth of food for 6 children? Especially when you have a toddler in tow?

I am determined to make this a good day either way....I think I will take my angel to the carousel today :)

Happy Thursday, Folks

One of my favorite pics....that smile is so infectuous!

Is she not just the picture of beauty?

Sisters <3



My day with Zabey Babey

Today I spent the day with My Zabien. He needed some "mama" time! It sucks being the "middle" child sometimes. I try to spend one on one time with each of my kids on a daily basis but I've been so busy trying to get this lil business of mine up and running, that I've let that slide. I decided to make up for that and spend the whole day with him.

The Comedian 

Drinkin his Starbucks (decaf people don't freak out) and now he wants a Subway

Laughing hysterically at his own jokes....he is so much like his mama! lol

He had the biggest head! (10lbs 7 1/2oz and was all head...lol can you say OUCH!!)

So after spending all this time with him I realized something....I needed this just as much as he did. My pregnancy (with him) was very hard. I was at the lowest point of my life (emotionally) and it didn't help that I was moved to high risk because he was a twin, but the other baby had died while inside the womb and I almost lost him too! He was the perfect baby! I knew he was going to be funny when I noticed in his first ever picture (taken by my mother, the minister) he was flipping off the camera (definitely my son, lol)! His first word was "mama" and it came early, but after seeing my huge reaction to that word, he decided to start calling me baba and would laugh every time. I would beg him "zabey babey, pleeeeeease, stop calling me baba, say mama!! I know you can" and he would just sit and laugh and say "baba" over and over again (which is what he calls his father, it's arabic for daddy) but he's a mama's boy, there's no denying that...and he's VERY protective of his mama :)

When he was 2, he created, "The Kissing Monster!" It was meant to make me smile, and through obsessively lavishing me with kisses...tickle me into laughter! It worked every time lol! Then he would stand back and clap because he was so proud that he could tickle me 

But what really gets me are those eyes! They melt me! :)

Ya know that feeling when your baby's eyes meet yours for the first time? Times that by a million!! I could feel the most immense amount of love in those eyes :) and they still melt me on a daily basis!

He LOVES money! This was his first 100.00 bill

I HATED that dog!! He loved it though, he wants another one...noooo!

He's such a good big brother! What a lover :)

He's always doing something to try to take care of me....randomly making me coffee, bringing me ice water (he calls it the zabey babey special cus it's just the way I like it with a lot of ice)

(seriously...how great is this kid??)

"Dear Mom,

I just wanna thank you for being there for me since I was 1 minute old. I could tell that me and you would have a good relationship. You touch my heart every day I see you. Without you, I wouldn't want to be here. Youre funny, cool, amazing, and you take care of me before you. I love you so much and I want you to know that.

You are my best friend, Mom.
Zabien-Ali"



He is an amazing kid! He's different from any child I've ever known....he doesn't follow the crowd, he makes up what he thinks is popular and he doesn't care at all what people say about him. He is who he is and he likes it!

He sleeps with his eyes open (it's so weird), he bites his nails (I'm trying to get him to stop!), he has too many girls asking him to be their bf, he tends to stretch the truth a lil...he is a story teller 

I love him without a doubt he owns my heart 

Sunday Confessionals

Ok so here I go.....

I almost didnt post this because its not perfectly centered and there is stuff in the background and then I thought...."oh screw it" the truth is, I am tired of putting a front on for people to think everything is perfect. I have 6 kids who are loud, crazy and often times wild, but they are amazing and I cant stand to be away from them even for 5 minutes and its times like these (in the picture) that make it all worth it! I love their smiles!!

Is that the beginning stages of a moustache?? This is my first born child, Kumayl. He is going to be 14 soon which means one more year until drivers training and worrying about finding a car. (EEEeeekk!!) I remember just yesterday when he was dressed in his superman cape jumping off the edge of the bed screaming "BOO BOO DAYDEYAAH" which in his baby talk mean 'to infinity and beyond' of course! Im so grateful for my relationship with him! and a better picture of him would definitely make up for the fact that I posted this closeup so here it is....

(hes so handsome isnt he??)

My son zabien has (for the past 4 years) decided that an afro will be his "thing". He has the most beautiful curly hair, so naturally, I allow this. Some people dont think I should...I dont care, hes my son, not yours so why worry about it? However, can I just say that as much as I love him, I absolutely LOATHE braiding it! He has the most sensitive head, just brushing it is a daunting task let alone parting it, re-wetting the dry areas, gelling it and braiding it! Just another task I just chalk up to another oh-so-fun motherly duty.

I have a thing about noises...mouth noises, popping noises, body noises....omg I just cringe thinking about it! The worst noise of all? Chewing gum...well chewing anything with your mouth open is just the most disgusting and rude thing you could ever do around me. Nothing will make me snap more than a loud chewer!

****BUT****

Chewing gum takes the cake! I mean its horrible, I cant even stand the sight of it, sound of it, popping it, blowing it, stretching it...in fact, I cant wait until Im done with this part so I can put another picture up and stop looking at it. I feel nautious! (I know, I should have my head checked....) Cant shake the shivers that are running down my spine....on to the next!!

I am ALWAYS late!! I try, I try and I keep trying but no matter what I do...Im late for everything!!

 Ive set my clocks to always be 14 minutes fast-doesnt work.

Ive lied to the kids and told them something starts 30 minutes before it does so we would all be ready (and while this makes us there sooner than we would normally be...we are still late)

Ive set personal goals and rewards for myself if I make it happen...still nothing!

Even now, I was supposed to have this, my first post, finished hours ago and here I am. Heck, its not even Sunday anymore!

So there ya have it....my Sunday (now Monday) confessions...not proper or glamorous, just me, plain ole me :)